Grieffy Days
I never really know when my grief days will occur, but after almost one year when I decided to let go of trying for children, I do know one thing! That anniversaries are tough!!! And I am sure that I will be triggered a little bit more this last month.
Myself and my partner popped into Wimbledon yesterday - mommy world - pregnant women seemed to pull my eye toward them and we were shown to seats which were next to a woman feeding her baby. 'Oh lovely I thought!' I had not even thought about these situations for a little while now - and my emotions heightened - sadness and a sense of powerless and slight shame - feeling less than. I was surprised with the feeling of shame today. Grief is totally OK and especially knowing that anniversaries are just around the corner - rituals, candles and letters all help as well as getting in touch with like minded women - I will show more of this in my next posts. But shame and not feeling enough in a world, which is obsessed with pregnancy and motherhood - this is a world I do not belong too! Understanding this - affirming myself and brushing the darkness off, is something I found helps me.
Today is the second day after the trigger and I woke feeling and knowing I was not quite settled in my body. After gentle yoga and breathing exercises I could feel the sadness and grief come up. It was time for another wave of grief and to allow myself to have a grief day. I believe everyone needs grief days - quiet days. Days we can allow our body to show us the way. I had an appointment for the dentist and I was grateful to be able to say - No major cleaning, thank you - today was a gentle day. The dentist totally respected my wishes and I knew that I could come back if it was urgent. I pottered at home, I touched base with others, who understand and can hear me and don't need anything from me. I've been able to tell my partner that I need some time, as I am sure he would be able to feel something different or just some detachment happening.
I've not been ready to paint or write, and today this is ok. I visited my little rose bush (we planted after my first IVF didn't work) and saw how it has changed and grown - this feels very symbolic to me. And as I write I feel a sense gratitude that I do not have to change anything - nothing is wrong - this is just as it is - healing, a little reminder of my journey and what I have lost in my life. This is normal!!!! What I have found is NOT
NORMAL is denying and rushing forward in a materialist world of accumulating and doing. This is not the world I live in very successfully.
And the journey of Grieving with Gusto continues .... gently.
Opening the door and not shutting anything away.
