A Surprise I Received When Starting To Grieve!!

Mostly everything I experienced when I started grieving has been a surprise. I thought I knew it all. I had read the books and understood some things. I was on the Gateway Women’s network off and on since it started, but didn’t really understand until I made that decision last year to let go and stop trying to become a mother. What I did know, however was; I was not looking forward to it and I had been avoiding grieving for a long time.

I have been wanting to write this blog for a little while now and have been very hesitant. Today, I've wondered why all the resistance. The answer came back - who wants to really hear my experience and this stuff is not really pretty - people don't want to know the ugly stuff, the nitty gritty of grieving. After hearing this reply I realised that actually I needed to put fingers to keys and type. I know that I am not the only one out there who is experiencing this after starting the grieving / healing process!

It hurt. I knew it was going to hurt. What I did not count on was everything else that came up. It was like the flood gates opened - I was not only grieving for the loss of being a mother, but my own mothering. I was grieving for all the losses in my life, which had not been healed or grieved. It hit me. At the time I didn't remember ever being told how confused I would feel. I felt so much shame about everything and I was bouncing this way and that and giving myself a hard time about it all, all at the same time. I thought I had to just be through it already, even before I started - its meant to be all neat and tidy this grieving process - isn't it - - I had going through my mind. I laugh now, but I was not laughing then. I was going to meet-ups and they helped a little bit, but it was just too painful at times - it felt I needed to hibernate - I felt ashamed that the pain was there and I could not really share it. Online forums helped the most, I was able to share the pain and receive loving support and feedback. Sharing was what helped the most and expressing the pain, the shame, disappointment, sadness and anger.

As I write this, I feel a little bit through my own grieving process. Here are the things that I have learnt and I would like to share.

- Stopping giving myself a hard time was the one thing that helps on a daily basis. WE DO NOT NEED TO GIVE OURSELVES A HARD TIME! This is a life process.

- Letting go of SHAME - it was not me - it was not my fault - this is how it is - life sucks sometimes. I am enough! 100% enough!!!!

- Its ok to feel jealous, angry and sad. Be aware of numbing feelings through drink, food, technology, drugs, work etc... I needed to learn how to be bigger and allow my feelings more. It was like my feelings needed me to be bigger too embrace and hold them. I needed to learn how to embrace my vulnerability. Letting go of imperfection and fixing others.

- Expect to be confused!!!!!!!! Allow for confusion!!!! We have been focussing so much on one thing that it is normal to not know now. Its like a falling place - standing at the edge of a mountain at times and jumping off. Or standing on a train platform and not knowing what train to get on. Know that all is well - you are being looked after - there is a plan. Growing in Spirituality - trust and faith - All will be revealed. Allow yourself to be surprised!

- Expression is one of the one things that helps me on a daily basis!! Writing and creating / painting! It helps my feelings and emotions have an outlet - it helps me let go and be! It helps me listen to myself, it helps me let go of judgement, criticism and perfectionism. It helps me be in the NOW!!! It helps be ok with whatever and be opened to wisdom and magic. It helps me focus inside, where the healing is needed during this time.

- ITS 100% OK TO TAKE THIS TIME OUT FOR OURSELVES TO HEAL. Its ok to let go of focusing on helping and being there for other adults - they will be OK - they are adults and responsible for themselves. Its ok to have balance and take some time for ourselves to heal. Learning this has helped me give myself the time, that this process needs. You would not expect someone who had a terrible accident to get up and just be OK and get on with life. Why do we expect ourselves to do that.